*** LOST IN THE WOODS? HELP IS JUST A PHONE CALL AWAY *** By CRAIG MEDRED Wed Feb 28 09:38:52 1996 Letter : 9919634 From: Bruce Bowler Address : bruce_bowler@jhqmac.dot.state.ak.us Subject : Right on Medred!... REGARDING - Right on Medred!... We completed search 96-1 last night--overdue cross-country skiier. Found him about 1130 when he popped out near Douglas. I thought you'd get a kick out of this article from the Anchorage Daily News this morning. Cheers! *** LOST IN THE WOODS? HELP IS JUST A PHONE CALL AWAY *** By CRAIG MEDRED Once upon a time, people went into the wilderness equipped with tools and shelter so they might be able to survive on their own. Technology is rapidly changing that. Now people ride into the wilderness on machinery and take their cellular phones for survival. A couple of these people made the news this week when their snowmobiles got stuck in deep snow, and they had to call for help. It was not the first time that has happened this winter, and the way things are going it may not be the last. More than a few people seem to have figured out that if you have a cellular phone and no shame, you don't need to know to know wit about wilderness survival before setting off into the Alaska backcountry. Get in trouble? Dial up a rescue chopper... It would be easy to get upset about this sort of behavior, but anger is a useless waste of energy. Better to find a solution to the problem, and, conveniently, there is one staring us in the face. Here is one situation where government really should act more like a business. Consider: Is there the owner of a cellular phone who lacks a credit card? I doubt it. Thus the increasing number of cellular phone pleas for help should go like this: ''Elmendorf Rescue Coordination Center. Go ahead, sir.'' ''Uh, yah, uh, me and my buddy Jake here, we, uh, got our snowmachines stuck in, uh, overflow up here along the, uh, Susitna River, or maybe that's the Little Susitna River, and, uh, like man it's really cold.'' ''Yes sir. What can we do for you?'' ''Uh, well, uh, we'd like for somebody to come and get us, 'cause it's like dark and kind of scary, too.'' ''Yes sir. We can do that. Do you have a credit card?'' ''Uh ya.'' ''OK. Will you be using MasterCard, Visa or American Express?'' ''Well, uh.'' ''Sir?'' ''Ah, Visa.'' ''Thank you, sir. Would you read me the 16-digit account number please?'' ''Well, I can't see it.'' ''Do you still have fuel in your snowmachine, sir?'' ''Ah, yes.'' ''Start it up please, sir, and use the headlight to read me the number.'' Vrooooooooooom, putt, putt, putt. ''OK, here it is: 4452-9973-0211-6411.'' ''Thank you, sir, and the expiration date?'' ''Zero-three, 96.'' ''Now sir, would you like our Gold Level helicopter rescue at $932.57, our Silver Level snowmobile rescue at $352.29, or our Bronze Level two-guys-on-snowshoes-with-a-sled rescue, special this week only, at $99.95.'' ''Ah, I don't know. Let me talk to my buddy. ... OK, we'll take the Silver rescue.'' ''Very good, sir. Now, do you know exactly where you are?'' ''We ain't got a clue.'' ''OK, that's fine, sir. Hold on while I talk to my boss.... OK, this week only, he says there's a special deal on our ILO, that's the Idiot Locator Overflight. For only $97 per hour we can have a light plane airborne and searching for you within minutes.'' ''Please, please. My fingers are cold.'' ''Very good, sir. The plane will be in the air momentarily. Do you have a fire to keep you warm until help arrives?'' ''Nooooooooooooooo, and we're cold.'' ''OK, sir. For another $77, I can arrange for the plane to drop you our deluxe fire-starting kit complete with matches, wood and a commercially manufactured FireLog anyone can light. Or, if you would prefer, we can drop the basic fire-starting kit with some old newspaper and a couple logs for only $27.'' ''Man, this is starting to get pretty expensive. We better take the basic kit.'' ''Very good, sir. Do you have an ax, a hatchet, a large knife or something with which to reduce one off the logs to kindling?'' ''A hatchet? Do you think we'd be out here freezing to death in the wilderness if we had a hatchet and matches?'' ''Sorry sir. Might I then suggest the deluxe kit.'' ''OK. OK. Drop the deluxe kit. Now where's the airplane.'' ''He should be circling somewhere in your area now, sir. Could you start your snowmachine again and flash your headlight on and off? ''Very good, sir. He reports he has you in sight and is preparing to drop the fire-starting kit. The snowmobile rescue team should be there within 30 minutes. Our airplane has put you five miles north of the Klondike Inn at Big Lake. The snowmobile rescue team will take you there. ''Now, will you be spending the night? We can arrange for rooms, along with meals and hot-tub treatments for hypothermia and frostbite if necessary. Would like to put this all on the MasterCard, or would you prefer to use another form of payment?'' Craig Medred is the Daily News outdoors editor and an opinion columnist. ---------------------------